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fic: a first time for everything

Title: A First Time for Everything
Pairings: Eleven/River, Amy/Rory
Genre: Humor/Romance
Rating: Adult/Mature/R
Summary: River does some interesting things to the Doctor on the TARDIS console. Amy and Rory are trapped underneath. Set sometime post-“Day of the Moon.” (Warning for SEXYTIEMS.)

Author's Note: This is all blienky27 's fault. 

“Why, exactly, does the Doctor have a weird swing under here?” asks Rory between kisses.

Amy pauses and wrinkles her forehead. “Dunno. I kind of always thought it was just one of his things. You know. Bow ties. Silly hats. Toaster ovens that sing.”

She shifts on his lap, and Rory sighs as she starts kissing his neck. “Don’t you think he’ll mind if we use it as a…” He lowers his voice to a whisper: “…sex swing?”

“Oh Rory.” Amy tugs on his hair. “Can we please stop talking about the Doctor?”

That’s entirely fine with him, Rory decides. Not a problem. Mmm. He could get used to not talking about the Doctor.

“Rory?” comes the Doctor’s voice from above them.

They freeze.

“Amy? Hello?”

“I thought you said he was busy somewhere!” Rory hisses as Amy starts hastily rebuttoning her blouse.

“I thought he was!” she hisses back.

“Oh really, Doctor.” River’s voice sounds breathless and a little bit hoarse. “There’s no one here. You’re not going to get away from me that easily.”

“Get aw—I’m not trying to get away from you, River, why would—oh, okay, you’re—what—”

There is a stumbling sort of sound, and then something crashes against the console above them.

“—River! There are—you can’t do that! There are important buttons on here!”

“Oh really?”

“Yes, you could—set off the wrong lever—kill us all—this is a horrible idea-mmph.”

Amy and Rory are staring wide-eyed at each other. “We should go,” whispers Rory in horror.

“Are you kidding?” Amy mouths back over the increasingly…uncomfortable noises happening above them. “It’s too late now, they’ll notice us.”

“I am not sitting here while the Doctor has sex on top of us!”

“Oh come on, Rory, they’re not going to—”

There is the sound of a zip being undone.

“Oh I’ve a fairly strong hunch they are,” Rory hisses.

Amy has both her hands plastered over her mouth and is trying desperately not to giggle.

“This is not funny, Amy.”

“Riv-ahhhhhhhhh, okay.” A thump, and something on the console starts to wail and flash. “That’s…not that I’m…oh, look what you’ve done.”

“Sorry, sweetie,” River breathes, and a lever gets clicked back into place. The alarms stop. “Okay if I keep going?”


“…oh god, get me out of here.” Rory covers his face with his hands. “Please just let it end…”

Amy is craning her neck to look up through the glass ceiling. She raises her eyebrows. “…River.”

“…make it stop…”

“Don’t stop,” gasps the Doctor above them. “Riv…ah…”

“Don’t worry, we’re all going to have a nice old laugh about this someday,” Amy whispers absently, patting Rory’s shoulder without looking away.

Maybe, thinks Rory dimly, digging his fingers into his ears as hard as he can, maybe this can all just go back behind that door in his mind, the same one with all the Roman stuff, and he’ll never have to remember it again if he doesn’t want to. Yeah, that’s totally plausible. Absolutely.

He does not hear any unusually loud sounds above his head, and he does not feel Amy’s hand tense up on his shoulder at about the same moment. He does, however, acknowledge the gentle tap on his head a few moments later, and opens one eye to see Amy staring at him with an amused expression.

“It’s over, ya nutter,” she whispers fondly.

Rory cautiously removes a finger from his ear, and when he’s satisfied that…things…have stopped happening, he sits up straight and folds his hands in his lap over Amy’s legs. “I did not like that,” he mouths at her.

“Oh god, River,” the Doctor is moaning, “the TARDIS—we’re in the TARDIS, it feels like we’ve just been watched…”

“Oh, trust me, sweetie, she doesn’t mind,” River purrs.

“…oh dear lord…that’s…I don’t…no. That just—no.” His footsteps tap across the floor. “You fly her from now on, River, I don’t think I can ever touch the console again.”

River laughs. “And you are so wrong. Where are you going?”

“To find Amy and Rory. And tell them to…never come in here again, or something.”

“Are you running away from me?”

“Oh River Song.” A chuckle. “That’s not possible.”

They can hear him head up the staircase and exit by the door to the kitchen, and both Amy and Rory breathe sighs of relief when River follows him. “Never again,” murmurs Rory, resting his head against Amy’s. “We are sticking to boring places like beds from now on. Beds are nice. I can do beds.”

“Mmm, it wasn’t all that bad,” Amy chuckles, kissing him on the forehead.

He pulls back and stares at her. “How was that not all very, very bad?”

“Well, River’s given me a few things to think about, for a start.”

And because she’s Amy, she hops off his lap and just leaves that one hanging there in the air while she wanders off in the direction of their bedroom. Rory has to shake his head a few times before he can get up and stumble after her.

* * *

The next morning is an awkward combination of breakfast and avoided eye contact. The Doctor’s clothes are rumpled and he looks exhausted, Amy is biting her lip to keep from laughing, and Rory is just trying not to look at anyone. Anyone. River is the only person who seems totally at ease, smiling and spreading jam on her toast while she asks the Doctor if he’d rather go to Kallipdrofous or fifteenth century Australia.

“There’s some wonderful cave paintings I’d love to see, but of course Kallipdrofous has got the skyscrapers that hang upside-down, and I know you like those.” She takes a bite and tilts her head. “Which would you prefer?”

A tiny smile curves the Doctor’s lips. “Whatever you want, dear.”

Rory stares determinedly into his scrambled eggs.

“Oh, and Amy, I meant to ask—” River chews thoughtfully. “How was the swing?”

Alarm bells. Alarm bells! thinks Rory, glancing desperately at his wife.

“Um.” Amy coughs. “Great. Yeah.”

River beams. “Lovely. Happy to hear it.”



Hahah! I love it! *giggle*
I am totally and 100% completely willing to take all of the blame for this, because it is AMAZING. Oh, Rory, you're never going to get that image out of your head. And Amy's never going to let you.
...Yeah...poor Rory. At least he got something nice out of it.
I LOVE YOU SO HARD CORE. Even if you didn't write Amy/11. BUT THIS WAS GOLDEN. LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT. There's an 11/River community watch_them_run that may appreciate this fic.

Love this and it is so funny and erotic at the same time I would love to know what River was doing to the Doctor to make him have a loss of words.

Got to love River she is the coolest.
[Got to love River she is the coolest.]


Glad you enjoyed the fic. XD
Oh my God. This was fantastic XD

“I am not sitting here while the Doctor has sex on top of us!”

I woke up my boyfriend laughing at that line.
Haha, sweet!